I’m having a boy!! We’re thinking of naming him Sidney.
I bet no one that knows me who used to check in on this page regularly to see what’s up with me will be checking in anymore. It’s been way too long. Sorry. But just for the sake of it, I’ll post a wee update. I’ve cut off my dreads, but I don’t have a good picture yet, I still despise the short hair. I’m still working as a cashier, and I’ve started University of Phoenix online for a bachelor’s in business management. I’m still with Drew and loving our life together. Also, I’m thirteen weeks pregnant. It’s really exciting despite all of the stress it brings with being absolutely broke and knowing I won’t be able to take more than a couple weeks off for leave or else rent won’t be paid. I’m looking for a new job like crazy, and have turned up absolutely nothing. No one is interested in my six year old accounting skills. I’d love to start sewing and selling again, but there’s no way I could support myself on that. If I weren’t so tired I might try to get it off the ground again in the evenings, but now with school, it’s pretty much impossible. If nothing else, I’m just too tired to clear off my sewing table. And now would be such a fun time to start making maternity designs. Anyway, that’s all I can think of for now.
tata!
I don’t know where to begin. It’s not often I have any private time to write. I got in my car to drive to dance and decided to go to the grocery store and come home instead. Still working the same cashier job, still in my teeny tiny apartment with Drew and the cat which I am coming to think of as my own. Our little family is gelling quite nicely. I have a funny ass picture of her in the bathroom sink, but it’s on my phone so I can’t put it on here. I’m still dancing, but I’m not training. My motivation to do absolutely anything these days is down to nothing. I’m signing up for online school to get a bachelor’s in business management. The enrollment counselor sold me on that degree because it would open up the door for me to do what ever I wanted with my ADD ass. I’m trying to do a little sewing, but my motivation for that comes and goes as well. I’ve converted some old drawings from high school into embroidery and made a couple cute bags. Um, I cut my dreads, hate my hair short. So I’m thinking about making some dangly earrings too, gotta have something to take attention away from my face. I haven’t updated my bank register in over a week, something I used to do within hours of any transaction.
When I first sat down to write it wasn’t my intention to make a boring checklist of what’s up. I wanted to start actually journalling since I really can’t afford my therapist anymore, and I didn’t feel she was helping me much. I’d love just to pay her to talk when I need to, but I can’t. There’s stuff on my mind, but I’m not sure where to begin. I’ve been taking St. John’s Wort and I feel my anxiety diminished somewhat, but as far as fire for life and energy, happiness, no. I don’t want Drew do know how unhappy I am, because he’ll just think it’s because he doesn’t make me happy. I know I’m not fooling him anyway though. I just don’t feel well, I don’t want to do anything, not even sleep. I think it must be getting into that time of the month. I’m not getting the exercise I need and I’m not eating right. Plus I’m drinking with a little more regularity than I used to and I don’t like it. Not a lot, it’s just that it’s started once in awhile during the week instead of weekends only. And again, not high volume, just a shot, but still, I don’t like it. I don’t like any of it. I don’t like that I have a job that I should like, where the people like me and the hours are awesome, but I don’t. I don’t like that I’m too tired to exercise and that I’m gaining weight. I don’t like that I don’t have the money to buy healthier food. I don’t like that I don’t have the motivation for my creative outlets. I don’t like that I don’t feel like going to dance or Tae Kwon Do anymore. I don’t like my hair. I don’t like that I’m wishing my days away (counting down til Friday every week.) I don’t like that I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t like that I’ve never given a crap what Drew did for a living or his education level, until today when he innocently suggested that I could be making more money. I don’t like being dirt ass broke. I don’t like that I’m hungry despite eating all the time. I don’t like impossible philosophical decisions like, should I get a new job that pays more, eat better, lose weight, try to start a family with Drew, change what needs to be changed because I’d be happy “if only” etc, or should I just chill in the present, learn to accept what is now, be happy with whatever, keep this job that isn’t so bad, stay in this dinky apartment that will never allow for my piano or children, give up on sisyphian “if onlys”, stop wishing away my present for some better future and getting to the end and realizing that that’s what life is.
Anyway, I wake up in the morning with such despair and resentment. I hate the long drive to work. I constantly think of how I should just keep on driving, drive and drive and drive right into the ocean. I HATE my job until 7:00 when I open the doors and the customers start coming in. Then I start ringing people up and small talking and flirting and teasing and taunting and listening and compliment accepting and laughing and commiserating and I’m happy. Then at the end of the day they start to thin out and it’s all about cleaning up and re-stocking, just busy-work, unstressful, ok. Then I start the drive home and my tension starts mounting and the resentment starts creeping back in, I can’t wait to get the fuck home so I can sit down and do nothing. I just want to be done for the day. There’s nothing left for training or dance. Just maybe a little bit for sewing. And this is how Drew finds me. I’m sorry that I am like this for him. I wish he could see me happy. I’m happy when I’m around people. But the drive to dance is the same as the drive to work, and tonight it got so bad I turned right around. But once I get there and the music starts I’m fine, and even better on a night when I feel I’ve been a help to somebody. And then it’s back home again, with the morning routing looming in front of me, and this is how Drew finds me again. I wish he could see me happy. Why am I not happy around him? He’s people right? I don’t want to be without him. We do have happy times, he is totally capable of making me forget and laugh and I wish those moments could last forever. He busts his ass to cheer me up and keep me happy and take care of things around the house so I don’t have to worry about them. He’s an excellent caregiver, which sounds like a weird word for a boyfriend, but with how down I get, it’s close enough to a disease that I don’t feel it’s an inappropriate way to refer to him.
I’m thinking about becoming a waitress.
I just typed for thirty minutes describing my life in it’s current state. I don’t know what I pressed, but the screen blinked and it was gone. I checked to see if it was posted, no. Sucks.
ass hole husbands
soup soup tasty soup cinnamon miso mighty boosh
powder blue fish tendencies
symptom caved in shin
dangers of blue death
You know those pictures that are made up of a bunch of little pictures of regular stuff? Well, if instead of pictures, they were tvs of all of our lives, the picture they would make would be God.
Wow, ok, so I guess it’s been a long time, and boy has a lot of stuff changed. The technical story in short is as follows: I got divorced, completely 100% unintentionally met a guy named Drew who I have completely fallen in love with, we have moved in together after being together two months, although we’ve been non-technically living together since our third date, I got a job as a cashier in a restaurant in an office building, and I moved into my own little efficiency studio apartment (w/ Drew) complete with daily roach visit and ghetto street parking, which I love even though it’s a long drive from most of my activities and friends. I miss my dog Dot, but Drew brought his cat Josie with him when we moved, and she’s pretty cool. She has all the stress relieving benefits of pets, without being so needy. As far as food and exercise, I’m pretty much eating what I can get from work for free, and only doing belly dance for exercise. I haven’t gained a significant amount of weight, and I feel good about myself. I’m having trouble training right now, I’m thinking of taking a little break. You know, normally in life things tend to change one at a time, we’ll get a different job, or move, or a new partner. But every single one of these things has changed. I feel like I was just plucked out of my life and dropped into somebody else’s. Maybe that’s why something consistent like Tae Kwon Do and my tkd family might be recommended by some. But it’s part of the resistance thing I’ll mention in a little bit. I just don’t feel like it, and I’m not going to force myself too, at least not right now. Remember, non-resistance was what lit my way out of the bulimia cave. My boyfriend smokes cigarettes and more, and I occasionally I join. I have the occasional drink on a weeknight. I’m getting my cable, food, and paper supplies for free. I bought all three versions of Guitar Hero with money mostly earned from my job. My sister and her family are back in town after many years in the navy. I am the happiest I’ve been to the best of my memory in my life. It’s as though I’ve released myself from the pressure of perpetuating an illusion of being someone I wasn’t. I’m not resisting so much. I’m considering going back to school to major in business. It’s nice and broad and will open up the way for me to up and do whatever I want with whatever interest I have at the time. I could never choose a specialized career. I’m way to fickle. Business would give me the foundation to be more successful than I have been in the past with my interests. I’ve always been good at everything I’ve tried, but never had the business sense or background to make a success out of anything. I still have anxiety issues from time to time, but I don’t feel so controlled by them, probably because I’ve been working on trying to release some control. I may have had some questioning emotions about whether or not the divorce was the right thing, and made up a lot of elaborate excuses to soften the reality of what was happening. But every day that goes by, I am more and more positive that I did the right thing. Not just because of life moving on, but because of being out of it and looking at it objectively, I can see now more clearly. Several family members and my therapist agree that they like me better now as a person. I may be less of a person by certain moral standards, I may no longer be the exercise and personal drive icon I once was, but I’m more real and I feel more myself than I ever have. I know I know, we’re never not ourself. But I should rather say I’m no longer in denial of myself. And that whole thing about money not buying happiness, boy they ain’t kiddin. My status in the American caste system has taken quite the nosedive, and yet I’m happy as a bug in a rug. Something I was never able to achieve no matter how much money I spend on clothes, doctors, concerts, etc. This isn’t the end, it’s not living happily ever after, although it kind of feels that way at the moment, that’s not real life. So I’ll maybe write in another six months =) Or maybe this is a turning point and I’ll start writing regularly again. We’ll see.
OK, so lemme see. Friday I got the tattoo, which I’ll post pictures of when I’m not so lazy. Saturday (my b-day) was a great day dancing at the Faire, then on to more dancing at the Shakespeare in the Park thingy, then to dinner with my too best guys, then onward further to a club to see one of my favorite local bands Lapush. I guess they are a total chick band, but I appreciate that they went along and humored me on my birthday. Next day, more dancing at the Faire. I’m glad it’s over, but I’m so ready to do it again. I think I had a whole bunch of like deep personal insight to post, but I’m tired and can’t remember any of it. Maybe later.
That whole posting every day thing didn’t last. It’s been an ugly week, maybe I’ll talk about it later, but right now, I have to get myself ready for another day at the Faire!
Last night I got a tattoo, the one I’d been talking about. My dear sweet friend (er, oops, I promised I wouldn’t tell) Aaron designed it for me. Pics later.
Happy B-day to me! I’m 18 for the tenth time =)
stick figure animation smothering me
10593
dill fairy
addiction & grandpa powder
I forgot, there’s photos from yesterday and today.
OK, so they’re mostly of me just because I wanted Mike to get pictures of that costume that we spent more time on than the choreography. He forgot the camera the first day, he’s gonna be gone next time I wear it, and he missed most of today, so I had him snap a bunch before I left. But also, it’s hard to get dancing action pictures that don’t look stupid or fat or contorted in some way. But I hope to get more actual pictures from the Fair next weekend too, maybe my mom will get some good ones.
So I guess I’m finally starting to acclimate to the Fair and I’m having more fun and am losening up. I think it’s making the dancing much better. I had lots of visitors today which made me happy (Thanks Katie!! I ran out to visit after I dropped off the tambourine but you’d gone). Anyway, yeah, it’s actually fun, and I did good. Now I’m tired. Bed.
Not much more to report today than yesterday. Except the last two shows of the day got rained out. Which was fine with me because the last one we did was a great one, I was happy to end on that note. More of my friends came today, and we played Battleship on this big outdoor wooden set. I went to my friend’s house for bbq afterwards, and now I’m just waiting for laundry to finish and then to bed early so I can get up and do it again tomorrow. I’ll post pics tomorrow night from this weekend, and maybe some more after the next weekend.
OH my goodness. I hope it was just a first day thing. EVERY show had something wrong with it. One I completely missed an entire dance because I was told the lineup wrong. Alternating sweltering sun and thunderstorms, dancing in slippery muddy soaked shoes and puddled stage. We spent all of our time working on the costumes and practically none on the choreography. And unfortunately it really shows. Some of the stuff I wasn’t even shown until just Thursday night at 10:00 pm, and you know how much time I had to practice Friday. And another one, I learned from the video and never once practiced with the group. Sigh, I’m freaking tired. maybe if I get a good night’s sleep I’ll be in better shape for tomorrow. I really hope so because more people are coming to see me tomorrow than did today. I was sorry because my Tae Kwon Do instructor came to see me, and that was the show that I completely missed a whole dance. Anyway, goodnight. The costumes looked pretty hot though. I didn’t get a picture today, but I’m sure I’ll get some before it’s all over.
OH my goodness. Ok, lemme reach back a thousand years ago in my memory to this morning. So the first part of my day I worked at the dishwashing job where apparently they like to throw dirty silverware and preparation utensils at my head. But give me elbow deep in murky food filled dish water over a spreadsheet any day. Anyway, then I went to a Drs. appointment, then visited a dance friend to borrow a top for the weekend since the stuff for one of our costumes never came in. Went to the store to buy good portable snacks and went home for a few minutes, then right back out to the fabric store to buy a ton of elastic to make the leggings for the costume today. So I get it all back home and get to work a tugging and yanking and begging and crying before I finally give up and race to the nearest fabric store (20 minutes away) to buy more elastic. I walked into the door right as the lady was announcing that they were closed. But I ran and got what I needed and they checked me out. She was on my case for procrastinating!!! OOOooooooohhh! I just found out what we were doing for the leggings the night before at 11:00p and worked all the next day. Sheesh. Anyway, so I got home and made the leggings and they are actually pretty cool. Both costumes are done and I am very relieved and actually spent maybe a little too much time admiring them. Anyway, so then I had to make a velvet drawstring sack to put my snacks in and gather my bowl, spoon, and mug, since I can’t be seen eating anything out of plastic or packages. OH and get this. I don’t know if I mentioned it yesterday, but I found out at the last second that I can’t have any modern bags or anything at all that isn’t period. But they said I could wrap my stuff up in a bundle of fabric. Remember that unexpected package I got the other day from my uncle with the fabric in it? PERFECT fabric for Ren Fair gypsies!!!! Did I say I didn’t believe in God? Sorry bout that. Anyway, so I made the drawstring bag, then made some cashew chocolate dates to snack on and packed my huge picnic basket. I have no intention of eating all or much at all of the food in it, but I haven this weird anxiety about going hungry in situations where I don’t have any control. So anyway, that’s about it.